New Song!

Hi friends ❤️ I hope this song might be encouraging to you. It talks about my journey and some of the lessons I've learned over the past couple years (lyrics below)

Under cover, Sleeping brother, Waiting to open wide
Seed in dry ground, waking light where dark surrounds
Water is seeping in, to show me where I begin

Whatever it takes, However how far
Whatever it cost, I went there and I
Said I’d be back, Once I found home
and now that I’m back, I’ll stay here I found
Love that goes round the world
Within me I found, Love that goes round the world

Thinking we’re pieces, Forgetting we’re whole
Frowning at failures, Scared of unknowns
Aching for love that, Frees us from fear
Calls us from comfort, Invites out our tears
If you want to, you could open wide,
Love comes to you and it washes everything

Breathe this moment, deeply
Let it heal you and show you who you are
You with all your scars
Life is for lessons, accept the unexpected
For learning how to hold, the strength in letting go

Think of Me

When you see a butterfly kiss a flower, I hope you think of me.

When someone gives to you expecting nothing in return, I hope you think of me.

When someone lends you their ears instead of their advice, I hope you think of me.

When you feel like giving up but the voice inside says, “don’t quit”, I hope you think of me.

When you laugh deeply, I hope you think of me.

When you dream your dreams, I hope you think of me.

When you feel seen and known, I hope you think of me.

When a song says everything you didn’t know how to say, I hope you think of me.

When you don’t know if you can go on, I hope you think of me.

When you wonder if anyone is listening, I hope you think of me.

When you’re tired or afraid, I hope you think of me.

When life feels good and you sing by yourself, I hope you think of me.

When you learn something new, I hope you think of me.

When you forget your pain, I hope you think of me.

When you remember you are complete, I hope you think of me.

Space to Be

I carry this anticipation with me. It feels so much bigger than me. It's really hard to explain but I suppose this post is about trying to do exactly that. I think I want to share about it because it feels such a part of me, even though I cannot define it.

I think about all the things I am passionate about and enjoy doing. They mean something a little different to me now than they did just a few years ago. I could do them well and they gave me a sense of accomplishment. I tried very hard to do these things perfect.

The more I do the work of letting go and embracing who I am, the more aware I am of how much space I occupy in the world. I suffer when I attempt to contain it. It is not like a weight or something I carry, it just is. My mind regularly compares it to pregnancy for some reason. Of course I've never been pregnant, but that’s where my mind goes. It is an energy I’m learning to honor, be thoughtful with, and nurture. It’s possible it's me in some sense.

I can run to grab a paint brush, my guitar, a person, my bike, my phone, my computer, or anything to give myself to. I realize the sooner I stop and be with whatever I’m feeling, the sooner I can experience ease and comfort. It's easy to grab onto something that feels familiar and let my mind run in its groove. I recently turned down a job-offer because I knew the job did not resonate with who I know myself to be (even though I really need some money!). It felt so good to honor my truth no matter what. It’s scary but it’s progress.

I've told people about this "bigness" I feel, this pregnancy. I've told people I want to travel the world and experience other cultures and create safe spaces for people to discover more of themselves. I imagine my passion for speaking and creating and relating will help me do just that. I want to keep learning and giving and growing and experiencing life in its mystery, rawness, and depth. I am trying to be content with my current place and contributions and accept them as enough.

I believe I’m here to be free and that is free. I do my best to give myself grace for this process because I can feel like my brain short-circuits as it adjusts to new realizations and as I practice new habits. My healing journey has offered me more empathy and compassion for others. The deeper I go into my life, the beauty and madness, I become less judgemental of others. What used to maybe turn me off in others might now be attractive. What used to scare me might intrigue me. What used to disgust me I might embrace. Engaging with life as it is, is messy and hard work. I used to tried to present the proper and polished, chin up, “I've got my shit together look”. I tried to do this full-time. I try to do this less and less. Progress, not perfection.

-Josh

Change

Change is a process of being honest with myself. I resist change when I don't want to be with my experience or accept the truth. I go into denial by resisting emotions and evacuating. It seems so much easier to try to justify mediocrity. Maybe mediocrity means existing and going through life doing the same things that don’t make us happy over and over again and wondering "what if"?

I don't think any person is exempt from change, or fear. I've realized I do have a choice in whether or not I will be fear's slave or make the changes in my life for my happiness. I seriously have no soapbox to stand on and I am no professional at working with fear, but I am grateful for those in my life who have helped me notice mediocrity symptoms. Noticing when I'm "recoiling" (as I like to call it) is something I've only realized in the past four or five months. This ability really surfaced after my time working with a life coach.

Honoring my feelings and myself has been one of the most difficult and important things for me to learn, because it was not my "normal". Digging my feet in ground and pushing forward, because I’m worth it, feels damn good.

-Josh

Acceptance

Bitterness and resentment make it very difficult for me to be healthy. For me, the desire to belong, be understood, and loved unconditionally reside deeper than the difficult feelings of shame, disappointment, anger, confusion, or sadness that can surface when these desires go unfulfilled.

As I become more healthy I become more aware of who I am and my health, and my eyes and heart open further to see others as they are in any given moment. When I feel rejected or kept at a distance from someone I care deeply about, I can easily retreat into my head and hoist the world on my shoulders. I can think I’m unworthy or unlovable. I start listening to the lie that I am not “enough”.

I am beginning to notice the transformation that happens within me when I choose to stay present with my feelings and not try to control outcomes. When I choose to try to understand why this person may be acting this way. When I acknowledge the experience they’re presenting and stay connected with my heart for the person.

Sometimes I can feel almost overwhelmed with suffering and confusion, but I’ve found some kind of consolation in knowing that what I’m experiencing is a human experience. I am not alone in this. I have loved and lost, had much and had little, and I am learning to accept that suffering is a constant and worthy companion in my journey of love. Suffering is not my aim but vulnerability is. I try to stay with the pain and not run from or push it away. In a world where to be a warrior means to cover in armor, I try to stay “undressed”, because it has proved the only way for me to live authentically and experience true intimacy.

If I feel hurt in these relational scenarios it is often because my expectations or hope of connection have gone unfulfilled. However, I am beginning to notice that connections and solutions often open up in greater ways when I listen and honor others for who they are and what they are experiencing at that given moment. I try to trust. I try to keep this person in my heart, even when it hurts. I try to pray for them. I try to see the best in them. Most importantly, I am trying to be more kind and accepting of myself first.

-Josh

Friends with Life

I need to be in nature and I especially love being near the river by my house. The river teaches me life is connected and keeps going. The butterflies call me back to the present moment and to see through my true-eyes. Children remind me to receive life as it is and that I don’t need to try to figure life out. I can allow life to figure me out instead. Friends and family remind me I'm not doing this life thing alone. I am fascinated with the song that nature sings. It reveals how life works, what we are, and offers us the invitation to step out from under familiar forces we find comfort in serving and identifying with. Maybe that is a job we hate, a relationship we feel we're pretending in, or a house we hate affording.

Unadulterated joy and happiness cannot be taken, but they can be discovered, appreciated, nurtured, felt, lived, and shared. Understanding my truth is essential as I uncover my joy and happiness. I like to think that our “truth" is a powerful, malleable and endless process directed by wonder and questions. Whatever we need to engage with that helps us remember and nurture our authentic-self is so important. I am learning that the questions unearthed in this process are doorways to gold-nuggets.

The gnawing and wonderful question "Who am I?" is easily hidden under our attempts to belong to something outside ourselves, and our attempts to try to manage the image of ourselves we prefer others to see. It is easy to hide in a look, book, band, belief, job, experience (past, present, or future), relationship, or the picture of our future we're encouraged to carve into our psyche and protect at all costs.

I’m learning how pointless and counter to my health it is when I over-assign value to absolutely everything in my life. It leaves no space or time for appreciating life. Over-assigning (or playing God) value can seem to provide some sense of safety, control, and belonging without requiring me to change. I go to extremes and my versions usually confirm my limited and inflated, or deflated views. I cover up the questions and get distracted from the freedom of life in every moment. "Who am I?" is an uncomfortable question that I think will always stay with me because I need it in a world of constant change. It is uncomfortable to ensure I do change. It should be exciting as well! We need this question and we need to engage with what we find if we are going to feel alive and truly loved. Only then we can offer the same to others. I like to think that the journey inward is the journey outward, and vice versa. It has seemed this way in my experience at least.

-Josh