Bitterness and resentment make it very difficult for me to be healthy. For me, the desire to belong, be understood, and loved unconditionally reside deeper than the difficult feelings of shame, disappointment, anger, confusion, or sadness that can surface when these desires go unfulfilled.

As I become more healthy I become more aware of who I am and my health, and my eyes and heart open further to see others as they are in any given moment. When I feel rejected or kept at a distance from someone I care deeply about, I can easily retreat into my head and hoist the world on my shoulders. I can think I’m unworthy or unlovable. I start listening to the lie that I am not “enough”.

I am beginning to notice the transformation that happens within me when I choose to stay present with my feelings and not try to control outcomes. When I choose to try to understand why this person may be acting this way. When I acknowledge the experience they’re presenting and stay connected with my heart for the person.

Sometimes I can feel almost overwhelmed with suffering and confusion, but I’ve found some kind of consolation in knowing that what I’m experiencing is a human experience. I am not alone in this. I have loved and lost, had much and had little, and I am learning to accept that suffering is a constant and worthy companion in my journey of love. Suffering is not my aim but vulnerability is. I try to stay with the pain and not run from or push it away. In a world where to be a warrior means to cover in armor, I try to stay “undressed”, because it has proved the only way for me to live authentically and experience true intimacy.

If I feel hurt in these relational scenarios it is often because my expectations or hope of connection have gone unfulfilled. However, I am beginning to notice that connections and solutions often open up in greater ways when I listen and honor others for who they are and what they are experiencing at that given moment. I try to trust. I try to keep this person in my heart, even when it hurts. I try to pray for them. I try to see the best in them. Most importantly, I am trying to be more kind and accepting of myself first.

-Josh