I carry this anticipation with me. It feels so much bigger than me. It's really hard to explain but I suppose this post is about trying to do exactly that. I think I want to share about it because it feels such a part of me, even though I cannot define it.

I think about all the things I am passionate about and enjoy doing. They mean something a little different to me now than they did just a few years ago. I could do them well and they gave me a sense of accomplishment. I tried very hard to do these things perfect.

The more I do the work of letting go and embracing who I am, the more aware I am of how much space I occupy in the world. I suffer when I attempt to contain it. It is not like a weight or something I carry, it just is. My mind regularly compares it to pregnancy for some reason. Of course I've never been pregnant, but that’s where my mind goes. It is an energy I’m learning to honor, be thoughtful with, and nurture. It’s possible it's me in some sense.

I can run to grab a paint brush, my guitar, a person, my bike, my phone, my computer, or anything to give myself to. I realize the sooner I stop and be with whatever I’m feeling, the sooner I can experience ease and comfort. It's easy to grab onto something that feels familiar and let my mind run in its groove. I recently turned down a job-offer because I knew the job did not resonate with who I know myself to be (even though I really need some money!). It felt so good to honor my truth no matter what. It’s scary but it’s progress.

I've told people about this "bigness" I feel, this pregnancy. I've told people I want to travel the world and experience other cultures and create safe spaces for people to discover more of themselves. I imagine my passion for speaking and creating and relating will help me do just that. I want to keep learning and giving and growing and experiencing life in its mystery, rawness, and depth. I am trying to be content with my current place and contributions and accept them as enough.

I believe I’m here to be free and that is free. I do my best to give myself grace for this process because I can feel like my brain short-circuits as it adjusts to new realizations and as I practice new habits. My healing journey has offered me more empathy and compassion for others. The deeper I go into my life, the beauty and madness, I become less judgemental of others. What used to maybe turn me off in others might now be attractive. What used to scare me might intrigue me. What used to disgust me I might embrace. Engaging with life as it is, is messy and hard work. I used to tried to present the proper and polished, chin up, “I've got my shit together look”. I tried to do this full-time. I try to do this less and less. Progress, not perfection.

-Josh