This title just came to mind when I was thinking and asking what I could write about. I’m not reluctant, I’ll just be honest that it’s still a somewhat raw topic for me.

“Boundaries When It Counts” ehh? I suppose I’ll write about boundaries.

Looking back I cringe at some of the times I didn’t have good boundaries, with a dash of shame for how the younger me navigated some things. I have compassion for him as well.

The beautiful thing about life is we have the capacity to make things better than we found them, and sometimes better than we left them. Most importantly, we have the responsibility of managing our own boundaries. This is what we can control. By not making the mess in the first place we save ourselves, and stop causing the kind of wake we used to. Our lives get better because we start doing life differently. If we make conscious what unconsciously had been directly our behaviors (…and stay and clean it up), we can begin to build things that last, grow, and thrive.

Boundaries are about how I pay attention to and manage my own body, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We are always accountable for ourselves. When we are in denial about our body, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, we injure ourselves and can cause harm to others.

The truth is like a blade. Those who are in denial fear what may be severed if they bring it into their life. Those who live in the truth have a kind of confidence that comes from having it on their side.

People who are running from accountability have very poor boundaries. People who are in denial have very poor boundaries. Sometimes, people have poor boundaries because they have never seen or felt an example of someone with healthy boundaries. Some young people have had their boundaries horribly crossed and have not been taught about where the center on the “compass” belongs. We all can pick up from wherever we are and do well if we want to.

Some people think so highly of themselves that to them people are a means to getting their wants met. Some people (like the younger me) have such a low value for themselves that they believe they must make these people happy all the time at all costs. Poor boundaries.

I wonder if we can deduce that one reason people have poor boundaries is due to a warped self-perception/image. The alchemists of old and current have an axiom, “Know Thyself”.

I think it helpful to explain that much of my own understanding comes from my own “unburying” process. Sometimes our experience feels so overwhelmingly challenging and horrid that we know fighting it is making it even worse. We can’t see a way out and all of our best ideas and efforts have failed. It is here we find again the opportunity to face the deeper truths. It could be that we fear that our worst ideas of ourselves will be true, and how horrid that would be when we’ve felt we’ve already lost so much. Sometimes it takes great loss to find the courage to take the risk. Some of us may have never lived with a sense of true-love for ourselves, and this has limited our ability to offer it to someone else. No risk is worth more than the process of bringing our blade to our side…one day at a time.

The cleanup process and the things we learn align us better within ourselves. This is where all good work begins and ends, in us. This brings us back to boundaries. Here we are, less afraid, more empowered, more open, more courageous…an individual who realizes more of their own wholeness and place. This leads us out into beautiful pastures we could have never realized where our gifts we’re uncovering benefit us and others. Life becomes more of an adventure and unfolding than the grey hum-drum we were so sick of. We’re breaking out of patterns.

Sometimes our blade only be at our side to keep the lies at bay. Sometimes, and only when necessary, we swing when something evil dare try to take us out. What we too often see is people swinging things who have no idea who the fuck they are or what they’re doing. They are more of destroyers than anything. Just avoid them at all costs. They always want to be the hero but have no idea what they’re actually living for. They act as if dying proves they have lived, but integrity and service can barely be seen in them.